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April 16th 2014

Well, today was pretty terrible. In all honesty , I’m kinda tired of everything and everyone. I been through so many things in my lifetime ; I just don’t trust people. I heard all the lies. I am living proof of a broken woman. I’ve felt my heart shatter inside my chest , I’ve lost my sanity and done destructive things. I been through hell and back and back again. I’ve felt the sunshine gleam on my skin. I’ve felt my world come crashing down and wondered how I’d come to live another day .. You name it. I seen it. All I want Is to have closer to why I got left behind. Also , to why I feel how I do. I never deserved any of this pain and somehow it just keeps coming .. I’m so tired of being haunted by his memory. I’m tired of hearing songs and having the urge to do “things”. All in all. I just want to be happy and it seems as if no matter where I am or where I go … It’s NOT where I truly want to be. I feel as if I just don’t belong and I’m so tired of that. 8:12pm

11:44pm. A.C. July 20th. Sunday.

With my mom and cousins in Atlantic City. We went on the rides and I had a ball. Sophia got mad because she didn’t want to walk anymore and was acting like a brat. I hate that. I feel frustrated. After all that fun it was just annoying. If I ever have kids, I would instill in them the values of respect and obedience evacuee that is quintessential in life and without those two things .. You won’t get very far Foreal. On another note, I’m glad my mom is here. She’s in the casino with my cousin. she deserves the world and all those good things that come along with being humble. She is MY world. I feel at ease when she’s around. She my rock and strength and I’m glad she came along. She needed a break from the city and being in the house cleaning all the time. Plus she hasn’t been on the beach in a long time. I feel satisfied and fulfilled that I see her smiling and having fun. I will give up all of my happiness just to see her smile and be at ease. Even though I’m annoyed by the ignorance of my little cousin .. I look to the brighter side and that Is that my mom is at peace. It’s a wonderful feeling.

Tuesday July 2nd 2013 7.18pm

I’m at my cousins house on the patio. I feel unwelcome because Nina. She gave Maryann’s bracelet to her boyfriends daughter. And on top of that she tried to steal 10$ out of Maryann’s handbag. That bothers me bad. Like I love those kids. Maryann is my TRUE love. She helped me get better after a bad 6 year relationship. And even though she’s 11, she’s smart as fuckkk. She knows what’s going On Around her. She ain’t stupid. But what ruffles my feathers is that Nina did enough hurtful things to them. Why do more like they ya kids. Feel me ? I’m not the one to judge. But. Maryann is my heart. Id never let anything happen to her or Sophia. Who’s 6 about to be 7 on August 18 2013. These girls bring me true happiness. And for that I owe them My all. They love me and I love them. Like. I hope family don’t ever fall apart because id never be able to imagine my life without those girls.

Fukka Barefeet Smut —

I’m Arab and beautiful. Im like NO ONE youve ever met or ever will meet. Bitches will hate because they must want to be me. I can name one in particular. When does bullying someone make that person a better person ? IT DON’T. It makes them a weak ass coward. I could have satisfied my urges and knock a bitch the fuck out but I don’t want to get booked. I ain’t scared of anyone except myself and God. I know my strength and I know it was absolutely possible for me to kill the bitch so i refrained from doing so. I have better things than you. I have a man who adores me and loves me for me. You have to sleep with different men every night just to not feel lonely. From your raggity scrunched hair to your nasty flat uneven ass you disgust me. It’s funny because you cried to me about not having something to call your own and when your grandma gave you a dresser you were happy because you actually owned something. I’m such a good person that when you had me at my wits end I still never threw it back at you. Should I of have? Yeah probably but I ain’t thirsty like you are. I didn’t even like you and still defended you. I shoulda just let you get fucked up like you deserve, but trust me if it aint me who whoops that ass properly it WILL be another the way you run your mouth. Don’t be phony and grimy to just anyone especially to a strong bitch like me. Believe me you fucked up by fuckin with my money. Bitch you’ll catch it. Trust and believe that whole heartedly. I could bust you up and destroy you completely with my words and vocals but why? I already have everything you wished you had. Ain’t you salty as a muthaafukka :) I know who I am and what I’m worth your just someone to fill a void for the moment. Bitch you ain’t successful. The rain is falling but my tears ain’t. I made you cry at work - you let me get to you and I laughed at you while you cried because your an ignorant nonchalant bitch that deserves to be spit on and beat like the smut you are.

Monday march 18th,2013 6:23 pm

it’s just one a dem days …

it’s 9:48 AM, 5/25/12 and I am trying to be a little more happy than I feel at the moment. I have so many things on my mind, but just so unsure what to do.  Money makes the world go round and is the route of all evil. I ain’t the one to take kindly to moochers.  min walou, yo. what does everyone want from me or expect of me. I spread myself too thin between, my sick mother and brother, a hectic home, my dad, school and work. I feel like i’m breaking down. I feel as if I am something that NO 0NE would want. Yeah, I can be selfish at times, but it’s for a reason. Everything that I say or do has a meaning or reason behind it, even if I say that it doesn’t. I feel like a verteran. I’ve been through hell and back and somehow I’m still managing. FUCK BAREFEET SHOES, and their managers. Crumb ass muthafuckas. Don’t boss me around, cause I’ll do exactly what you told me not to, bitch. 

November 22, 2010 ;


it’s 8:06 in the A.M and shit has already turned out bad..

I’m not sure how much i can take until i fold and just walk away just to save myself from pain and misery.  Problem is , misery loves company. i wanna be able to hold my head up and not look foolish & you should do the same.

i think we all had that one person we can’t get enough of but they’re sick & tired of you. i never get tired; i never get enough. I’m done chasing and losing. I have too many problems, i always have, ever since i was younger.

mom sick, jerk off, drugged yet disabled brother , mom’s drunk ass boyfriend & all that follows. my dad, however was always my hero who would save me from my distress and pep talk me , telling me everything will be okay and i swear on everything i love , i always believed it and still do ; just because it came from his mouth .. i believe everything that he tells me.

i’m so tired of sickness and feeling doubt , in my heart.. in my life ; it’s all around me.

i never intended on life to bring me where i am now. i never thought I’d see this person I’ve never knew come out of me.. but shit.., i guess we all change.

every single one of my friends moved on and forgot about me & all our memories .. while i remember them clear as day and think back on them very frequently .. i guess everything really isn’t promised tomorrow .. i swear , i really am trying to enjoy everything while it lasts but my heart and mind are not in sync.. so it’s a little hard for me to make decisions so easily.

what will i do when i have no where to turn … honestly from my heart i think i may just die. i  CANNOT live without the most important 2 people i’ve ever met.

my heart is ice cold right now.. and i feel numbness.. no pain .. no smiles.. nothing at all.. min walou.

things are never what they seem to be .. almost like a mirage in the distance. I’m constantly being fooled by people and false hope. I’ve came to the point where i don’t trust anyone.. truth is i never have.

no one is worthy of my trust cause I’ve been done wrong so many times to the point where i am scarred and officially done with lending my heart and other things out just to never see them be returned back to me .. but see .. when i do things for people .. i don’t expect anything back except respect and thankfulness. that’s so unheard of these days to the point that it’s actually quite sad.. really.

I’m tired of second guessing and my heart hurting with dreary & melancholy thoughts roaming in my cerebral emanations.. but i guess everyone makes mistakes .. and i guess it wasn’t a real mistake if you keep repeating it . right ? 

you hear but you don’t listen .. you talk but don’t think  ..

should i be writing essays instead of writing how i fell ? .. maybe but at the moment i really don’t give a fuck because I AM what matters more to me.

i always put the people i care about before myself.

i always wanted to be the one that another cannot live without.

i have a goal to become so sucessful and take care of my parents.

i swear that’s all i really wanna do. God knows whats in my heart.

in my life i regret alot of things .. like my attitude and sometimes even the thoughts that run through my mind, that i shouldn’t be thinking of but i feel like i need to prepare myself because I’ve been starting to hate surprises .. but Lord knows i mean well.

the only thing i really can do .. is repent and just pray that God makes me stronger than i am now..

september 21st , 2010

with all my heart i wish you knew all the things i planned for me & you .

they say " nothing lasts forever " & i’m a sure believer. i feel as if i’m at my lowest of low , & you just don’t realize. My heart hurts at the sound of your voice.

Whenever i think about you , I feel ill.  i’m really not happy with the way i feel , & i’m mad that i actually thought that you were real. I can’t believe i believed you.

You’re heart isn’t in the same place as before ;

i can’t make you love me if you don’t wanna. That’s beyond my control ; how you feel is how you feel.  i’m so tired of stressing & feeling of being unwanted. 

like nigga , if you don’t love me or feel the same  , then let me go.

why waste my time, ya feel me?

one thing about me, is that i hate to waste time.  I cherish life.

the sences are beautiful. People take so many things for granted.

like kindnes fo weakness & take advantage of people.

i’m tired of ignorant ass people & racist muthafukkas.

i always speak my mind, even if you don’t like it.

My family truely keeps me sane. 

mixed thoughts.

i feel like i’m left here to think & go out of my mind ; toufik was supposed to come home yesterday and i spent my whole day sitting in my house and waiting on nothing. i’m tired of chasin’ niggas & loving people more than i love myself. somethings gotta give cause i can’t go on with my heart feeling like this. i’m tired of thinking and comparing thoughts and situations, i just wanna be free and happy. i’m honestly scared that ima end up a miserable mess & that’s everything i don’t want to happen ; but certain things are just inevitable, especially unhappiness. for once, i want someone to love me more than they love themselves ; someone to chase me to the ends of the earth, someone who won’t ever give up on me even when i have already given up on everything i believe in.  am i wrong for dreaming just a little?  most of the time i live in my own little world cause some people just don’t understand "Gabby".

shit has been crazy ever since he’s been gone ; i started college , met new people & i actually like it. i’m proud of myself and i’m glad cause i’m making other people proud of me in the process of doing me, ya feel me?

i just wanna be happy and smile for a little while ; i been there done that , with feeling lost and shit ; i realize i’m not number 1 in ya life. ; shit, i’m probably not even in the top 5 , it’s kinda sick how i made you a priority and you made me an option. is this really how life is? people are disgusting , dirty muthafuckaas who can’t be faithful for shit. the entire world don’t know what faithful means anymore ; it’s like that word died out a looong time ago , perhaps a few centuries before i was even thought about or born. well, all in all my point is that people make sick by how they act towards one another & how they treat people whom love them so dearly, when in reality they’re so fucked up they don’t deserve to be loved by anyone.
 i’m not the type to hate on others or point out where other people fall short or go wrong ; cause my hands are dirty too. you can’t throw stones when you live in a glass house ; ya feel me ?

i don’t know how to feel or what to do .. but all i know is that this time im loving me first and putting me as my number 1 priority , besides God, cause he’s the only one who’s ever really seen my struggle and knows what my heart and mind has been through in the past almost 19 years of my life.

no dude is worth chasing ; cause if he really loves you , he wouldn’t make you chase em’ , cause he’d be right there next to you letting you know that he’ll never leave ya side.


things have been crazy lately & i’m just not feeling the whole ” you coming back to Philly & me having to be locked down while you’re still doing whatever the fuck you want.” & truly , at the moment , i am not gonna put up with that shit. like i WILL leave you _ i know that that don’t mean shit to you and i know for a fact you’d watch me leave & not even attempt to stop me ; maybe because you fell out of love with me a long while back it hurts my heart to think of you gone but somewhere in ya mind you think it’s better to just play it off and just have me think im ya only one when in reality you don’t give a fuck about me. I’m tired of playing the dummy role. im one crazy muthhafukka.  i’ll do damage, somehow & someway. believe that.  ripping off mirrors can’t come close to what imaa do to ya shit. don’t play me for a fool thinkin’ shits all good when you adding bitches on online dating websites and skype ..  like; where they do that at ?!  ; in a way i kinda wish you could stay halfway across the world and never come back, so i don’t have to see ya face and have you hurt my heart all over again ; these past 3 months have been like a vacation and a wreck all at the same time; i miss you so much but my mind is mad. i cant calm myself down about how intense i feel. i wish i could relax but the only thing on my mind is you. i don’t know what i’ma do or even what i can do. hopelessness just wrapped me up in it’s melancholy embrace. i feel so down & unhappy & the sad part is, is only you can take this pain away but i know in my heart that things have changed .. i’m the stubborn type , so that concept is hard to grasp. i feel like these feelings are inevitable. — someone come save me from my misery.

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